Saturday, April 25, 2009

Dear Diary: April 25, 2008

From my journal one year ago today, 3 weeks after Baker died:

April 25, 2008

I miss having Baker in my belly. He would stick out his baby bum on my right side, and we would spank it. I rubbed it when I sat at my desk at work and loved him. I loved him wholly and completely. I fell in love with my son. I miss his baby hiccups toward the end of my pregnancy. He squirmed a lot when he hiccuped. I could tell he didn't like them. Chris wanted to take him out and burp him when they happened. Sometimes they were faint and sometimes they were jarring.

In related news, Baker's little brother is 28 weeks today, solidly in the third trimester. He pokes and hiccups and squirms around often, which I hope are little reminders that he is alive and well and is going to come home with us in July. My fundal height measured 30 cm at my midwife appointment this week. At the end of May, I start twice weekly non-stress tests until delivery. I'll have two growth ultrasounds in June to check fluid levels. It's all for peace of mind, really, since Baker's death was likely a freak cord accident during labor. That's the good news and the bad news for us. It is maddening to know that Baker should be toddling around today, if not for an accident. That knowledge coexists with the knowledge that his little brother should make it out alive and well.


Fireflyforever said...

"I loved him wholly and completely." That fact shines out from every word you write about Baker, Dalene.

Emma was the only one of my three to hiccups in utero - it was special & unique to her and it's one of the things I missed so deeply in those early days.

I'm glad Baker's little brother is so squirmy.

Inanna said...


I miss my lil guy's hiccups, too! He did it ALL the time. I always felt them really low, just above my pubic bone, and I'd think, "Got a little excited doing the 'practice breathing,' huh?" It breaks my heart to think he never got to do anything but "practice." :(

Hope's Mama said...

Hope was a frequent hiccuper, too. I get sad when I hear anyone with the hiccups now. I have all my faith in Baker's little brother coming home in July. You'll be a beautiful family of four xo

melka said...

So glad everything seems to be going well.

Hoping with you over these next few months...