Thursday, February 26, 2009

Platitudes not welcome here

Another lostbaby mama on a discussion board I frequent posed a question that has me thinking. She wanted to know the most heartfelt and helpful words we were told after our loss. I'm going to answer the question in this space, too. Right after Baker died, it was the people who expressed rip-snorting anger who were most helpful for me. They were angry for us, with us, and with this impossible situation. In my state of complete shock, it helped to know that I had good reason to be STINKING, RAVING MAD. Also, a friend who I didn't expect to be especially eloquent, said that he didn't understand why something so awful would happen to the best people, with tears in his eyes. And several dear friends who stared and stared at Baker's pictures for a really long time. And anyone who expressed that THEY were hurting, too...that THEY missed out on meeting and knowing our son. Basically, anyone who let me be in the throes of grief and didn't try to talk me out of it. So, if you are reading this and are one of the aforementioned, thank you.


Lani said...

agreed. i needed to hear that too. i'm so glad you've updated your blog!
i missed you.


Tash said...

Niobe once asked which we liked better: anger or sadness. I answered anger -- anger makes me want to take action. It makes me do things -- write letters, pound walls, go running. Sadness just envelops me and suffocates, and makes me feel incredibly helpless.

I think after Maddy died I really wanted to be angry, but had no one or thing to be angry at. There was no missed step by anyone (me included), no point at which anyone could have caught things to change the outcome. I suppose I was a bit pissed at ultrasound technology for not providing a warning, but again -- wouldn't have changed the outcome, just moved the dates a bit. Angry at my DNA? Perhaps, but only if my geneticist is right. I find it rather impossible to be angry at a universal order, and certainly didn't know to whom to address my letter.

So I was sad. And it sucked.

Long way of saying I'm not sure if I would've appreciated that or not, but I'm so glad you did. Sometimes we don't realize what it is we really appreciated until long after the fact.

Mrs. Spit said...

Yes. People who were genuinely with us. Abiding.

I still have a hard time with those who tell us that it's God's plan or that everything happens for a reason.