Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Lap Baby

We just booked a flight for Labor Day weekend, and I had to maneuver the mouse to the little pull down menu that says, "and infant." That gave me pause.

We tried this whole "and infant" thing last year, as we planned to bring what would have been a 3 month old Baker with us on family vacation to the islands. That infant didn't make the trip with us, so it feels impossibly optimistic that this next one will either.

But I don't really feel that way. I mean, I know it's possible that something will go wrong, but I don't go there very much. It is a very funny place that we inhabit. Not naive first time parents, optimistic and oblivious to the shittiness of the world, but not completely and utterly pessimistic either.

We have no damn right to be optimistic, yet we are compelled by a squirming, growing, hiccuping little brother to Baker to believe that this time, we might actually take home a live baby. We might actually need a plane ticket to bring him to Pittsburgh and show him off. We might actually get to BRING HIM HOME and not have to share only pictures, damp with tears.

We just might.

And what will that be like? Meeting our second-born first-breathing son? I hope he screams his ever-loving head off. I hope that he has just a sneaky hint of Baker's angel face in him, just enough to remind us whose brother this is. Maybe he'll have that little freckle that Baker had over his right eye, or maybe they'll have the same chin. Honestly, he could come out with a clown wig and a squeaky nose and I would be perfectly pleased. Back to the important stuff - big breaths, screaming, nice and pink, eyes wide open, "howdy, Mom and Dad." That's all we ask.

All in all, with 7 weeks to go until he's scheduled to be here, I am proud of us. I am proud of the way that we have integrated Baker into our family, and I am proud of how supportive our family and friends have been, not always knowing exactly what to do, but letting us know how much they miss him with us. I am proud that we haven't worn tracks in the floor pacing, and we haven't bitten our nails down to nubs. We've been there for each other, and we've found a way, a little bit at a time, to be excited, and even hopeful, about our to-be-born boy number 2.

18 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Beautiful post Dalene. It helps knowing I'm not alone here. And clown wigs and squeaky noses would be fine with me, too.

Inanna said...

Hope is a thing with feathers...

or clown wigs and squeaky noses... :)

Mirne said...

I hope the next 7 weeks fly by and that you meet your healthy, breathing child soon.

Shannon Ryan said...

7 weeks! It sounds so short!! I'm right there behind you.. not only in weeks (I've got about 12) but everything else.. I hope this baby looks like Dresden too - at least a little but most of all that there is much screaming when she comes out.. also trying so hard to be opptimistic, but with touch of realists pessimism - we don't have the luxury of assuming anymore. I can't wait for the next 7 weeks to fly by and hear of Baker's sweet brothers arrival!

Dalene said...

Well said, dear. So much about that trip to the islands was heart-wrenching. From your mother having to tell the travel agent to cancel the crib for our room to waiting in that 2-hr customs line while the rest of your siblings were told to go straight to the front because they had kids in tow. How I hope for a different outcome this time.

Monique said...

Hoping along with you and wishing you the best.

melka said...

Every time I do anything close to visualizing a different outcome, or if anyone starts talking like we're going to have a living child with us later this summer, I feel sick to my stomach. That's so wonderful that you're able to hope, to imagine. It sounds comfortable. And fun.

skyesofblue said...

I am sure your son will arrive perfectly healthy and your life will be blessed.

erica said...

Hoping with you.

CLC said...

I am hoping with you! Here's wishing the next 7 weeks fly for you!

Cara said...

Dalene - I just can't quite believe that in less that two months you will be holding your second son!!

I am so excited for you and hope that you continue to believe...he's coming...he really is!

Bon said...

ah, the leap of having to commit publicly, AGAIN, to the idea that this next time will work.

it is a mindfuck, and a beautiful thing, all at once.

our second son is still with us, still breathing, three years in, and his sister too...and sometimes i still have to shake my head in wonder because i don't quite believe it. but i think that is a legacy of having integrated our firstborn into our family, in a sense...the present do not negate the absent, but the absent make the present all the more glorious.

i hope the three of you have a beautiful trip in September.

Samaria said...

Right there with you with *hugs*

Misty said...

Oh sweet Darlene,

I can not even imagine. I cannot even imagine a loss such as your own.... not knowing in advance. I have weeks to get used to the idea, but holy crap, girl, you are my hero!

Once something like this happens, it ruins it a little bit. We think about our next baby... and I have the same fears as you. Will I actually get a baby... (with a brain)... that I can bring home... that will cry and eat..... and POOP!!!

I will SO be thinking of you ALL of the time. And you email me if you just need to freak out... which would be fine, because I could do the same for you at the end of the year when I get pregnant again!! **wink**

Maija said...

Chris, we are all so proud of you both, and so proud to know you and count ourselves among your many friends. Beautiful post.

namastemom said...

Dalene,
I'm hoping with you....

Cara said...

CHRIS...HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! WISHING RIGHT ALONG WITH YOU FOR YOUR BELATED GIFT IN SIX WEEKS!!!!

CARA

Lani said...

i've been thinking of you guys so often dalene. i havent' visited here in a while though.

it must be a crazy feeling, one I hope to feel in my future. as scary as it is, it has to also be very exciting too. though i guess with all the excitement, there has to be a little hesitation. i guess forever we'll have that. that pause that shakes us up into not allowing the fully optimistic positive thought, even when we really believe it to be.
anyway, loads of love to you guys.