Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dear Diary: May 6, 2008

Please join me as I revisit my thoughts and feelings from the early days after Baker's death. From my journal nearly one year ago:

My midwife called yesterday with the final pathology report. It's upsetting to think of Baker's little body shutting down inside of me and blood going into his lungs. I hope he didn't hurt or feel anything. I hope he felt love from his mama. I hope that all he know was how much we love him.

Chris has a surprise for me this weekend for Mother's Day. I don't feel like I deserve something nice or special. I wish my body had worked and kept Baker alive. I've let him down.

We drove to Vermont that weekend, and the surprise that Chris had been planning was to design a ring with an artisan jeweler. He sat me down on a bench, next to the store where I bought my wedding veil, and confessed his plan before we entered. The jeweler gave me a hug and explained several ideas about how to design a meaningful ring. I remember being in a complete fog, still wracked to the core with grief. In the end, we chose a small birthstone diamond, bezel-set into a ring molded from a poplar twig. She patiently explained that the balm of Gilead comes from the poplar tree and is known for its healing properties. The ring arrived a few months later, inscribed with Baker's initials and birthday, and assumed its place of honor opposite my wedding rings.

14 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

I too hate thinking about Hope being sick. The infection made it in to her lungs and liver. I hated hearing that. My poor baby, I can't believe that happened to her while I thought she was safe and sound inside me. How could I have not known? I too hope our babies didn't suffer and that they felt the warm love.
Hope you, Chris and Baker's brother are well.

Rebecca said...

I love the idea of the ring, it sounds beautiful.

Inanna said...

Those are the thoughts that could truly push me over the edge. Did he suffer? Did he know? Did he feel loved? Did he try to tell me something was wrong, did he reach out, in his last moments? Was he conscious? Was he sleeping? Was he scared? I can't handle those thoughts for long. They devastate me.

Mrs. Spit said...

What a lovely way to remember. Whatever Baker may have felt, he also felt your love.

erica said...

We keep telling ourselves that Teddy felt us loving him, but I have so many of these same worries.

I'm glad that you and Chris were able to do something meaningful and loving on Mother's Day. The ring sounds beautiful.

Heather said...

That husband of yours is a keeper. What a beautiful memento to have on a difficult day like Mother's Day.

CLC said...

Your husband sounds wonderful. I, too, hate thinking of my baby's final moments. Mostly I shut it out because I think it would send me over the edge if I allowed myself to think about it for more than a minute at a time. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.

Kim said...

Dalene,

I hate the fact that this diary must exist but I think you are an incredibly strong mom. I want to wish you a Happy Mother's Day but I know it won't be entirely happy. A mother shouldn't have to be without her child. I hope you will cherish the happy memories you have of Baker - him moving around inside of you, reading to him, and anticipating his life. I'll be thinking of you on Sunday.

Love,
Kim

melka said...

In my darkest moment, I feel so sure my daughter must have suffered. The random panic attack I had the last day I felt her move. Her appearance at birth, not at peace, like all her being struggled mightily. I don't know how to live with this.

I love the story of your ring, and it sounds just beautiful. Like many, my husband D and I each got the same tattoo, a permanent mark to honour our girl - this was one of the first real acts and outings I was able to accomplish in those first few months, after.

Monique said...

Sending hugs and hoping you have a gentle Mother's Day.

Mira said...

It's hard not to wonder about the moments before death. A dear friend of mine was killed my freshman year of college - his mother told me she dreamed that in his last moments, Jesus came to his side and was with him while he passed, and that he was at peace and comfortable, even though the circumstances of his death were very violent. I found that image comforting - an angel of mercy being with you at your moment of passing. Perhaps that image would be of help to babylost parents as well? In anycase I think the babies feel their parents' love, even as they pass.

I have to second (third?) the sentiments about Chris - what a wonderful tribute to Baker, that he thought of even through his own grief.

Thinking of you on this Mother's Day. ((Hugs))

k@lakly said...

What a perfect tribute to Baker. You should post a picture of the ring, I'd love to see it.
I hope none of our babies suffered,ever. sighs.

Mira said...

Ohhh you added a picture of the ring! It is a beautiful and touching tribute to your beautiful boy - but how I wish you had your baby here with you, instead of a ring. As always, hope you and little bean are well.

Samaria said...

This is a tough entry for me to comment on because I have avoided thinking about what she went through, I can't do it I just can't. If I ever know my daughter suffered inside of me and I had no clue I cannot live with myself. How dare my baby suffer and her own mother didn't know a damn thing